My Stages of Story Grief and My Completed Story Journal

"The Start of an Adventure" Completed on July 10th, 2014 - A sketch from the second-to-last page of my story journal. 

Somewhere back in the middle of 2011, I decided that instead of spreading my art and writing across a multitude of sketchbooks and journals, that I’d instead keep all of my story-related content to one particular journal in order to help enable me to further organize my thoughts.  Alongside this journal, I continued to maintain a private wiki and blog that concerned themselves specifically with helping me move myself along on my writing journey, and while I certainly typed up notes on my computer or iPad, the vast majority of my musing occurred within my precious little story journal.

Now, over three years later, I’m not quite where I’d hoped to be by the time I completed it, but I think I’m wiser for the journey.

I’d always assumed, I suppose, that if I simply put pen to paper I could push on and get my first book published in record time. I'd already written it once, after all. But much as that simple formula sounded quite straightforward and appealing, I realized that the book I’d been writing for somewhere over fifteen years showed its age in a number of ways that weren't easily reconcilable.

My Stages of Story Grief

Much like the stages of grief I once recall seeing so aptly displayed in this short video from Robot Chicken, I feel like I've finally come to terms with working on the main story for so long.

Denial

Denial came in two forms for me. First, the bulk of my writing was at one point destroyed in a literal computer fire, and in the aftermath, it was difficult for me to try to recapture the sense of wonder I felt in relation to the story and the characters because it felt like it simply didn't stack up against the original prose.

Secondly, I’d spent so long writing these characters and the various places and plots of the book series (which at that point was three books, because apparently trilogies were a “thing”), that I was all-but in denial about some of the parts that simply had never really worked well, and that I was willing to hand-wave off because going back and editing and rethinking them in earnest would mean revisiting thousands of pages of text. It was like having a warm fuzzy memory of a movie you enjoyed in your childhood that simply didn't hold up when you watched it a decade later.

Anger

Anger came in the form of frustration for me. I was aware enough that the books weren't where I wanted them to be, but I found myself in a place of stillness because I wasn't willing to move forward with the original prose and story, because I had enough awareness that it wasn't good enough for my tastes.

Bargaining

Bargaining for me came in the form of lacking a direction on how to proceed. Was it worth trying to work off the old prose and story (even though both hadn't aged as well as I’d have liked)? This period for me felt a lot like realizing the awesome cake recipe you baked wasn't turning out well, so you start tossing in more sugar, and maybe even some bright frosting. The problem is, no matter how much sugar or add or garnishments you toss on, if the cake is too salty, there’s not much you can do to make it the pristine piece of culinary perfection you longed for it to be.

Depression

Depression came in the form of self-realization that the story wasn't where I wanted it to be, and no amount of poking it was really giving it the “oomph” it needed.

Acceptance

The acceptance stage came last, but it opened my eyes to the possibility that possibly what was best for the story (and series) was to be willing to reshape it entirely. To think of it not as a cake recipe that went awry, and to instead imagine it as the rough shape of a sculpture from my youth. There were aspects that worked, and those that didn't, and to use those pieces that worked and be willing to look at them in new ways. Or (as was often the case), to be willing to look at a piece that didn't work and be willing to look at it with a critical and honest eye and toss it away outright for the good of the story.

The Story Journal

It was a difficult change of view at first, but over the last few years it’s been a healthy one, and I feel better for it. Being willing to tear down accepted truths of my world and its characters has allowed me to dig deeper, and hopefully worth towards building something much more satisfying the next go around (which will be draft 4.0.1, I believe).  In the meantime, though, today marks a sort of celebration of completing my first story-centric journal.

My journal is packed with loads of text and planning alongside a healthy dose of sketches and rhetorical questions meant to inspire me further, and I thought it would be fun to share a few of its seventy-eight pages with you. As tends to be the nature of my sketches, they are usually only a few inches large (many are barely larger than a postage stamp). The total dimensions of the toned sketchbook is 7 x 10 inches.

Page 1/78 - The first page of the journal shows an iconic interpretation of a scene from the first book. I imagined it was how artisans and historians from the world might envision a scene from their history.

Page 2/78 - After finding a scene diagram in a book, I copied it over to my journal to try to keep me on-track.

Page 9/78 - "BFFs" - Completed on May 27th, 2011

Page 22/78 - "Alchemist and Friend Sketch" - Completed on September 16th, 2011

Page 26/78 - "Richard Toned Sketch" - Completed November 21st, 2011

Page 29/78 - "Elk Princess" - Completed December 28th, 2011

Page 30/78 - "Richard and Friend Sketch" - Completed on May 22nd, 2012

Page 33/78 - Many of my journal pages include assorted sketches alongside notes or questions to myself.

Page 38/78 - "Vulnerable Moments" - Completed on July 17th, 2012

Page 71/78 - I pushed to finish off my story journal over the last few days, but as many of the pages deal with my upcoming short story, I opted to not post them here since it would be bound to spoil things.  So instead: have one of the characters: Oberon. 

Page 1/76 - I don't claim to be fantastic at horses, but the evolution from how I used to draw them is quite noticeable to me.

To cap off my story journal, I decided to draw the two main characters from my upcoming short story. It was a quick sketch, but it probably captured the female protagonist's spirit better than any other image I've done of her.  It was a bit surreal to finish sketching her and go "wow.... that's HER at that age..."

The second-to-last page of my story journal.

The final page of my story journal, which includes some goals I've set for myself.

The Road Ahead

While I’m still a ways off on my rewrite of the first book, I’m still hoping to get some short stories out there to share with you in the coming months. Thanks for joining me on the journey, and for your continued support. :)

If you're curious to see other sketches from my story journal, you can see quite a number of them in my Original Characters Gallery on deviantART, and elsewhere in my galleries.

So about Those "New" Short Stories...

BFFs - Completed on May 27, 2011

Of "New" Short Stories

I’ve been finding it all-sorts of intimidating trying to figure out which “new” short story from my original world I’d like to share first. Over the years I’ve written thousands of pages about places, characters, plots and more, and I certainly have a backlog of older short stories and novellas to choose from, but since about this time last year, I’ve been grasping trying to write that “perfect” short story to use in order to introduce readers to my cast of characters and their world.

Since last year, I’ve also started (and then eventually halted) no less than six such “new” short stories, each time insisting to myself that they didn’t encompass enough of what I wanted to say, or in the correct flavor. None of this new batch of short stories were so awful as to be worthy of being tossed away entirely, certainly, but none of them felt quite fitting enough to stand on their own as the first figureheads in a new era of my writing.

Among others, I’d written out two fairy tales from the world, one of which expanded upon a lesser-known culture and their curious history. Others detailed the backstories of side characters from the primary novels, and still others sought to delve deeper into the motivations of characters who were only glimpsed at in passing. While all fine in their own right, none of them really felt like the “right” short story to start out with at this particular juncture.

Then, during my recent trip to Hawaii, a bunch of things suddenly fell into place. While plotting and scheming on some rewrites of the first novel, I realized that the answer to the question I’d been chasing for the last year was staring me in the fact. The whole time I’d been working to dig into new juicy territory (for myself as well!) and I’d been completely ignoring the fact that there shouldn’t be any reason at all for me to avoid some of the characters I knew best, and who had been around in one form or another for well over twenty years.

You see, characters have to “meet” somehow. While all-too-many books fall back on the “they met in a tavern…” trope, two of my characters have long-since been an almost inseparable pairing that, well, that’s just how they are in my head. _I_ know how they met, but I’d never really stopped to sit down and think if that was a story that would really warrant telling because it was so long before the events of the main novel.

But upon closer inspection, it seemed “just” like the sort of short story to get things rolling in both my own mind, and hopefully for new (and returning) readers as well! And, hey? By actually putting it out here in the open reaches of the internet, I’m telling myself that it might also assist me with getting rolling on the second draft in earnest. ;)

"Secrets of an Accord"

Below is the quick note I jotted-down to myself in February regarding the initial “jist” of this new short story, which will introduce readers to two longtime characters who are very near and dear to my heart, and who are from very different walks of life. Did I mention that at first glance, one appears to be a horse?

From there in my story journal, I laid out the basic plot in a few pages, and started to flesh it out. I don’t have a precise ETA on when it will be complete but… there you have it! It will happen, because I said it must be so! And I’ve spent far too many months chasing my tail around in circles, and not NEARLY enough time getting down to business writing!

The piece of art below was created by the immensely talented Emma Lazauski, and I want you dear readers to know how these two characters met, and would later become so inseparable and ever-so-close to my own heart.

"Sashah's Spell" by Emma Lazauski - January 11, 2012

Enough well-intentioned procrastination: Let’s get down to writing and do this! 

Some Story Concept Art

So! It's been a fairly busy week, but somehow amid all that's been going on, I managed to pump out a little story art this week which involve three very different characters!

First up is Oberon. Pretty much 99% of the time you see me sketch or render a Friesian stallion, it's safe to assume I'm probably channeling this spirited main character. He may look like just a horse, but he's very much sentient with quite a past, and more than enough brazen snark to keep other characters in line.

In February during my Gnomon Introduction to ZBrush class I decided I would try my hand at digitally sculpting him, so I played around with some armor ideas to implement with the idea that I wanted to the armor to look somewhat believable, but I also wanted it to be extra-usable for a wearer who is sentient and keen to fight.

"War Horse" - 30 Minute Sketch - February 20, 2013

Along this line, I later ended up revising the face spikes and some general proportions. I wanted Oberon to be able to bash and slash with them, and having a slender, curved horn simply didn't make sense to me in battle (and it looked far too thin and graceful to be really "him").

"War Horse" - 30 Minute Sketch - February 25, 2013

 Later on I worked on sculpting him in 3D. I didn't get as far along as I'd like, but I plan to revisit this sculpt in the coming months.

"Armored Friesian Stallion" - Digital Sculpture - WIP - Current as of February 22, 2013

Next up is a reworked/new character I've been trying to concept out both in physical and story terms this week. He's going to be getting a new name since his role in certain events is getting majorly overhauled, but he's a side character that's likely to be a part of one of my upcoming short stories. He's had a pretty hard life.

I spent about an hour and a half sculpting this fella in ZBrush. He's not anything amazing art-wise, but I'll be damned if it isn't awesome being able to concept a character in 3D and sort of be able to feel out how I envision him in my head.

Character Concept - Digital Sculpture - May 21, 2013

 The next day I did a quick study of him in action. He fits a fighter-type role, and though those bracers may not look all that magical just yet, they definitely are.

Character Concept - 1 Hour Sketch - May 22, 2013

 Next up, I'd recently had gryphons on the brain, and had realized that though this gryphon character had been around in one shape or another for over ten years, I'd really never done anything more than casually sketch him, like I did in this sketch below from last year.

"Richard and Friend Sketch" - Completed on May 22, 2012

This lead to me starting to try to sculpt him in 3D. I am completely and utterly intimidated by how I am going to manage his feathered wings, but I am finding it really, really cool being able to sculpt a character like this in 3D, and I look forward to pushing him further.

ZBrush Gryphon - WIP- Current as of April 30, 2013

 Somewhere earlier in the year, I'd started this little doodle as well. It's actually the same character. I really like to pull off that feeling of being warmed by a welcoming sun.

Sunning Gryphon - WIP -February 26, 2013

 And somewhere during the last 24 hours I realized I still had that file laying around, so I thought I would try to play around with his coloration. Previously, I hadn't really worked out the details of this fella's coloration aside from the fact that itwas some sort of hybrid between a tiger and a hawk, so I was just sort of laying color in and taking it from there.

Sunning Gryphon - WIP -May 23, 2013

And then somewhere late last night, I moved the composition around just... kept going. I roughed in a legit background, and while I'm still not pleased with it, it's going in a direction I dig. I just love the idea of a gryphon sunning himself before taking flight, and I'm hoping I can continue to push that feeling as I continue to work on it. This scene is meant to be a view from atop one of the towers seen here.

Sunning Gryphon - WIP - May 24, 2013

I'm looking forward to seeing what other creative things I can accomplish this weekend!